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       Constant disappointment month after month when dealing with infertility causes many issues – but one of the most difficult to deal with is the emotional pain involved! Someone looking into our issue from the outside might have a difficult time understanding how it can create such pain… so to help, I think this description of emotional pain from Psychology Today get’s to the root of the emotions involved with fertility issues. It describes emotional pain as follows, and I’ve added notes next to it as someone dealing with infertility might think, but not be able to say:

• Unworthy or worthless  (“I’m not fulfilling my natural role as a woman in being able to reproduce.”)

• Disapproved of, invalidated, or rejected (“God, are you mad at me? Why are you not allowing me to become pregnant?)

• Not listened to or understood (“No one can really understand how this feels month after month.”)

• Like a non-entity–or invisible (“I can’t join in the activities other people my age are doing… because I’m not a mom yet.)

• Unloved, not cared about or wanted (“God, don’t you love me? Why aren’t you giving me a baby?”)

• Insulted, disparaged, disrespected, distrusted, devalued, or discounted (same as above)

• Inadequate, defective, incompetent, behind the curve, inferior or looked down upon, unacceptable (“What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong that I can’t get pregnant? I’m getting too old/I’m missing out in life…”)

• Embarrassed or humiliated (“I don’t want others to know what I’m going through.”)

• Weak, helpless, or defenseless (“I’ve done everything I can do to make this happen. What more can I do? I’m helpless in this situation”)

• Like a failure; “loser” (“I’m not a real woman. I don’t fit in. I’m not doing what I was made to do.”)

• Guilty, shameful (“My past actions have caused my infertility – it’s my fault.”)

So let’s be honest… the LAST thing we want to do when we are hurt is jump right up and help someone else, love someone else, bless someone else, or use our life to make someone elses better… right? What sounds better is curling up in a ball on the couch, wrapping ourselves in a blanket, crying, and possibly eating chocolate in the midst of all of that to bring some comfort to the situation we can’t control.

For myself, I work with children everyday on multiple levels, and at times it can be a painful reminder of what I am dealing with in my personal life. Some moments I want to scream, “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY OWN KIDS GOD?!” And in those moments… I have to change the way I think. Thoughts like “What about me?” transform into thoughts like “Well, if I don’t have my own kids yet, then I will treat THESE kids as if they were my own… I will love them, encourage them, care for them, and help them dream and become who God made them to be!” See, we can’t control the situation… but we CAN control our reaction to it. And the times we MOST want to be selfish because of our own pain, can be the greatest times of our giving to others and effecting change in the lives of those around us! And in the end, what will it help if we shut down when we are hurting because of our situation? Nothing. A waste of time. A waste of life. Let’s not allow our pain to rob us of our purpose… and let’s purpose to love others as we wait on our own miracle!

I’ll quickly share with you a story from the Bible about a woman who gave through her pain, and received the miracle she needed. Here’s the story found in 1 Kings 17:9-16 NIV:

“I have directed a widow there to supply you with food.” 10 So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, “Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?” 11 As she was going to get it, he called, “And bring me, please, a piece of bread.”12 “As surely as the Lord your God lives,” she replied, “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.” 13 Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. 14 For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.’” 15 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. 16 For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah.”

Do you see her pain? She was a widow. Although we don’t know what caused her husband to be gone, we know that her son was dependent on her and that there was great need in her home. So much need, that she only had supplies and finances left for one last meal. And then she expected death for her and her son. She was at the end of her rope, had exhausted all her resources, and had given up hope. This was a woman in pain, and from a human perspective, had every right to be selfish.

Do you see the call for her to give? Here comes Elijah sent by God, asking the woman to make him food, from the last supplies she had. Sure, Elijah told her “don’t be afraid,” and gave her a promise from God… but that’s easier said than done. Didn’t she have a right to hold back? Didn’t she have a reason to not give what little she had left? Instead, she honored God and the prophet by simply obeying, not even knowing what would happen, but stepping out in faith to give when she desperately needed to hold back. And she received the miracle. She had MORE than enough, and there was more than enough for her and her son for the present and the future! I bet this woman was glad she didn’t hold back… I bet this woman was glad that she obeyed God, and gave through her pain.

When we give, even in our pain, we can receive the miracle that God has for us. And maybe the miracle will be our child sooner than we hoped! And MAYBE there are OTHER miracles He wants to use you for along the way. Like changing someone else’s life, and being an instrument to see their dreams unfold. The possibilities are endless when we will give of ourselves when we desperately want to hold back.

For many women, Audrey Hepburn is a classic icon… so I have to share with you what SHE might say to us as we face what we face, however we face it… and she said it like this,

“It’s that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so ‘don’t fuss, dear; get on with it’.” – Audrey Hepburn

Bringing a baby into our lives, however they will come, will most likely be a process. And we already know it can be a painful process. But let’s choose not to put our lives on halt while we go through it. Let’s choose not to hold back from being a blessing to others, when we want to shut the world out and deal with our own problem. Let’s be like the widow in the story, and receive our miracle as we give through our pain. Let’s do like Audrey said, and make people important… make an impact in other’s lives regardless of what we face… “don’t fuss ,dear; get on with it!”